Journeying to Deep Acceptance and Remaining Equanimous or Balanced with Life

December 3, 2013

The past couple of weeks, I have been tested by the process of life and experiencing life as a human being. It started, the day after I turned 41, when I got hit by a truck. Yes, literally as I was travelling to work in my car. The truck driver said he didn’t see me and hit me from behind and then pushed me in to the car in front. It was extremely scary and yes, I survived (with some bruises, whiplash and shock) and am extremely grateful for that, however it really got me reflecting deeper about life.

The whole accident has been a challenge for me and brought to the surface many deeper vulnerabilities – including a deeper sense of letting be or letting go, losing control, and facing my self (or who I thought I was) with greater self-compassion and developing a deeper acceptance of life and experiencing life as it is, not how I wished it to be.

For starters, I had no idea the accident was going to happen, however just before it did, I could see the truck in my rear vision mirror and got a sense he was going too fast to stop in time. After the truck hit me, I remained very aware and present (and as equanimous or balanced as I could) – with my body shaking and tears streaming down my face. I continued to remain aware of what was going on – I spoke to a friend (who called mum) and then called the school to let them know what happened and the work I was going to do that day. I went to hospital in the ambulance and had a variety of tests. After the tests and whilst I was was talking to the police about what happened, it hit me – there was literally nothing I could have done to prevent the accident.

Realising that deeply, taking responsibility and embodying it (opening up to the thoughts, feelings and body sensations) was challenging. In the past, I have been someone who liked to fix things and try really hard to make something happen, had a strong personal will, had deep shame, unworthiness, cognitive distortions and fearful and struggled to simply let things be.

However, after these past 26 days since the accident, I have remained present and equanimous with most moments (yes even the ones I wanted to avoid) and opened my heart more deeply to my self (thoughts, feelings and body sensations). Subsequently, I have a deeper acceptance of life and am experiencing life more fully, including the vulnerability that comes with that. I also feel more connected to the people I am lucky enough to call my family and friends and am truly grateful for their support as well as the gift of self-compassion and mindfulness.

I don’t know why this happened (although a lot of people have shared their reasons with me) and to be honest, I don’t think it is as important as what the experience has given me by being honest and present – a deeper acceptance and trust of my self and subsequently a deeper connection to people around me.

As Carl Rogers identified – “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”