Facing Reality One Moment at a Time…

I don’t know about you, however I have found in my life facing reality to be challenging at times. In actual fact, I have done quite a lot of things to not face reality. Everything from eating, being busy, reading, playing sport, learning, watching TV – the list could go on, however I will stop as I think you get the drift! So I wonder, what is it about facing reality that can be challenging?

Is it that we have to really be honest with ourselves? Are we worried about what other people think? Or maybe we are fearful of showing our vulnerabilities? I really don’t know what it is for you, however I can relate to these three areas (and many more) and that is why I am choosing to share my experiences at the moment. As I have come to the realisation I have failed in everything I have done up until now. Yes really failed!

Why – because I was trying to be this person that was outside of me (some people, refer to it as the false self or ego). This identity that was made up of who Jane Taylor was meant to be. I was listening to people say how talented I was, how intelligent, focused, determined blah, blah, blah (and I mean that with total respect). So of course, as I kept listening to this, I kept being all of those things. However, as this was going on, I was also feeling a deep void inside of me and as each day was passing by was feeling less and less connection to who I really was.

My first glimmer of realising I was something more than what I did, what people thought of me or what I possessed was at the end of 1997 (after I retired from tennis). However, after being a professional athlete, I was very conditioned to think I was all of those things and ended up going down a very similar path of achievement using my determination and focus in the education field. Until – I experienced a very clear and deep realisation I was not all of those things and it was something I was continually creating, because I was not being everything that I am (and made judgements about certain situations and experiences). When I came out of the retreat I was in (January 2009), I was a different person and knew some how things were going to change. I made the decision when I left, to take 100% responsibility for my life and continue to commit to my journey and find what I had been searching for.

Yes this has been challenging – and really there is nothing I can compare it to. There have been many, many tears, deep pain and emotions. It is a journey I know I have had to walk alone (although I have had some amazing support from a couple of very close friends). I have looked very deeply within and questioned everything openly and honestly – I do not know what is going to happen in the next moment, let alone tomorrow. I didn’t know I would be writing this blog, until I was speaking to a very dear friend on Wednesday and it was brought up.

Yes, it is a little daunting sharing my heart with the world, however it is who I am. I am allowing life to live through me – I am rocking up and facing each moment one at a time (as I know in my heart that is all I can do).

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this post and if you feel inclined, leave a comment below!


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